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HUMOUR:

...it's humour if you laugh anyway...

We take our musical standard quite seriously but ourselves not anytime as you can see also in our outtakes gallery and the anecdotes . Therefore we have collected some funny things about scotland, pipebands, pipemusic, etc. which we want to share with you.
The following should be seen with a wink and not be taken too seriously...

Structures within a pipeband:

PIPER:
Leaps small buildings with short inrun ; gets angry about every small climatic change ; can blow up a tire at full speed ; drinks entire rivers ; listens to god.

SIDE DRUMMER:
Leaps over a fence ; can read a train schedule ; nerves the pipers during tuning ; drinks entire lakes ; talks to himself.

TENOR DRUMMER:
Can walk through an open door ; doesn't know which is the right side of a cross belt ; can put on his own shoes ; believes in god.

BASS DRUMMER:
Stumbles even over matches ; tells you how fast your heartbeat is (of coarse in bpm) ; likes standing in puddles ; nobody listens to him.

DRUM MAJOR:
Leaps big buildings without inrun ; is faster than a bullet ; has more strength than a locomotive ; walks on water ; speaks to god.

PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts skyscrapers to walk underneath them ; catches bullets with his teeth and chews them ; throws even trains off the track ; separates seas ; HE IS GOD!!!

Laws of a pipeband:

Every reed changed just before a gig will be too hard to blow
If the pipe major looks at you, you will never get the strike-in right
Careful checking your gear just before the gig means you will miss half of your gear
Practice of a 4-part tune lasting for months means you remember only the first three parts on a gig
Each piper has his own method to blow-in reeds, but none works
The bus is never on time. If it is on time, it's not our bus
If more than one pipers' drones are sound after the strike-out, it's the pipe majors fault
A good band practice doesn't lead to a good gig
A bad band practice doesn't lead to a good gig
Good chanter reeds are only in one strength: much too hard...
If there's the command "By the right..." from the pipe or drum major, be sure at least one guy starts marching with the right foot
Each time the bass drummer tries a new rhythm, the pipers hear a double beat and stop playing
The pipe major is right every time!
If someone has a different opinion than the pipe major, rule 13 gets valid
If the pipe major isn't right, rule 13 gets valid

Things never to be said to a Pipe Major:

Practice? At home? I surely do enough at band practices...

That's not true - that's not how I learned it

No, not me, I have the right timing

Let me hear YOUR D (after P.M. asks: "Let me hear your D")

Stop tapping so slowly with your foot, that's confusing me!

You are NOT my boss!

But [put the name of another P.M. in here] doesn't plays it like this.

Yeah, but you are no drummer...

You must wear something really tight under your kilt...

Practice is boring!

I can get those new bagpipes from pakistan! [see picture on the right as example] they are so cheap, we can afford them for the whole band! Great isn't it?

I like my reeds wet (after pipe major has tuned the band, sees your reed in your mouth and asks: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???!!!")

Gags:

How to achieve complete unison with two bagpipes? - Shoot one!

An english, a scotts and an irish man sit in a bar and have a drink. Suddenly a fly lands in each drink. The english man sees the fly and orders a new drink. The scotts man gets the fly out of the drink and goes on drinking. The irish man gets the fly out of the drink and shouts on it: "Spit it out you fucking bastard, spit it out!!!"

What's the difference between the first and the last row of a massed pipeband? - about half a beat and half a tone...

How many pipers do you need to screw in a light bulb? - 7: one to do it and 6 to criticise his fingering technique...

How many pipe majors do you need to screw in a light bulb? - Just one. He holds it in place and the world turns around him

How can you tell you are a good pipeband member? - Your alarm clock starts with two drum rolls ; You don't need an amplifier for your instrument ; your instrument has only two volume settings (ON/OFF) ; plays always for himself (and everyone in the circumference of 3km) ; drinks milkshakes with a blowpipe

Greeting of a drummer to the pipers:

Actually we don't like you!
You are a slowly moving, privileged group of pseudo-musicians constantly fiddling about on your instrument-hardware while we have to wait. You are always standing in the front rows and get all fame and glory while we hold you in tempo and indicate in which part of the tune you are.
If the public calls, it calls for pipers. If a stranger comes to us, he goes to the pipers. You are always the first. Even the haggis needs you - but not us.
We are your slaves, either by call or wave. As this isn't enough, you have to humilate us (while we are waiting for your merciful command) with your abhorrent and excentric decision to tune your instrument again.
We drive through rain, fog, ice and snow to be with you. And then we have to walk behind you like the small grey animals from the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Although we don't like you at all, we are loyal. Year by year we are there to strengthen your back, because we know we didn't make music at all without your nice and affecting melodies.
I guess, we like you after all!

Source: 56th District Pipe Band Koblenz

Funny videos:

College of Wooster Pipe Band Coca-Cola Commerical:

The Haggis Song:

All Things Scottish (If it's not scottish - it's CRAP):

Johnny "Bagpipes" Johnston: